Original Blog Entitled "Chantepleure" mood-curious (with updates)

definition- to sing and weep simultaneously

The Buddihist say that to be able to fully feel two opposing emotions at once is the way to know you're on the right path. Something like that, I'm no good with qoutes off the top. But I really like this word, chantepleure, because for to me explains that notion clearly. While both songs and tears can come from a variety of emotions, traditionally we'd think first singing=joy, weeping=sorrow.

Right now I'm working with an anxious and angry stomach, a throat with several lumps, an always confused/silly/joyous brain, and a body so giddy I would even dance to a set by Shepard Fairey. I like the way it feels, but only because many Masters have described it as an admirable way to live. But before I breathe into these tensions and joys to soften em up, I would like to explore a bit more.

So here's the thing. I love Obama like the next guy. I saw a speech years ago where he looked out into the audience lovingly and said to one crowd, "You're still chanting?!" It blew my mind, I was hooked. I wanted him to be president. Nuff said.

Fast forward to 2008. I began to introduce myself to contemporary conspiracy theories, many of which match ideas I came up with on my own as a youth (being watched constantly. Television mind control. Also, I been thinking certain people were hella aliens/reptiles for a long time. If we are to believe that certain beings, ie. Sun Ra, came to Earth from another planet with Love and Healing vibrations why would I not believe that some came in darkness? I digress, but not really)

To keep this blahg short and sweet, one day I developed a severe distrust for President Obama. It was so strong and clear,and it radiated from my heart in not an angry way, but in more of a, "Wake up little sister" way. It'd been a hard road since, and to be quite honest I didn't know up until looking at my ballot whether or not I'd still vote for him. In the end I did of course. I did it for my ma, and for how he made me feel when I first saw him. I did it for hope. Not just for the country, but also for the hope that I'm severely mistaken in my distrust.

I don't like group-think. It sickens me to the core. Though I am fully aware that I am involved in it often, I like to believe that I spend my time with a wiser and more conscious "group", so it's not as bad. That being said, how could I possibly go against someone so many people I love and respect are going so strongly for. Know first that I don't give a flying fowl about this most frightening and manipulative government. I don't like the idea of anyone telling us what to do at all. Yet, I realize that they don't even have to tell us what to do, when they create how we think.

I went against my instinct. I would like to say I don't know how I feel about it, but I do. Confused. I like seeing you all so happy. I like large crowds hugging and crying in joy. I want a miracle for this country, so much. So I joined back in with the crowd. I did what you all wanted me to do. You're welcome bitches (j/k).

The only true revolution is already beginning in our own hearts. That's where I'm keeping the majority of my faith, in my heart and yours.

I love you, and don't be mad at me. I voted, right?

Update- I think it's really cute how sweet and gentle I was in presenting what in actuality was a very disturbing feeling I was experiencing. I was already completely knowledgeable about the fact that we had all been horribly duped. I voted for him because, why not? To be quite honest, that was a fucking scary day. I was faking it all so hard, and I still don't know why. Would I respect myself more if I hadn't wasted my time and gone against my own wishes by voting? Who could ever know, because I did vote. It felt like how it feels to sleep with someone who doesn't really care about you. It felt like, "I gave myself to you for what? A free coffee at Starbucks. Fuck off, keep your 'I Voted' sticker." I treated it like I do when I eat fast food or masturbate- I got rid of the evidence quickly, and pretended it never happened.